Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
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Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
What even happened today?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!