[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Don’t snitch tag.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in