[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
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Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy