Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
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[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
best review i’ve ever seen
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
A leaf blower, but for people.