Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
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Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Nothing to do, you say?
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
My circle of trust is a meatball
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.