Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
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I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
.. do you even science?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.