HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
You Might Also Like
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.