Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
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My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..