Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
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2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her