HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
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God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I can’t wait!
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault