HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
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Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards