Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
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From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.