[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
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exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
*frowns in Scottish*
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!