Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
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Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
TODAY
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”