@Hilarious_Idiot: Harry Potter fans: I wanna go to Hogwarts. Narnia fans: I wanna go to Narnia. Hunger Games fans: Nope I'm good..
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@stephenjmolloy: [Every restaurant ever] Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?" Waiter: "Yes." Manager: "Go and ask him how his meal is."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
@BuckyIsotope: Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch an ounce of ganja Jack lit up and took a puff And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
@aguywithnolife: brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it's just nice to be held.