Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
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My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.