Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
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Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I have a black belt in leather
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you