Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
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HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop