Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
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the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.