Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
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Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
finally found a reasonable question
reviewed some movies recently
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Accurate
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.