*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
You Might Also Like
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
3% human
97% stress
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Seas the day!!!!
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.