He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
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Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Hero horse inspires millions
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?