A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Bit chilly again tonight.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Cucumbers Anonymous
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.