Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
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ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem