@crunchenhanced: Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you can't just deep-fry everything ME: what do you mean? WIFE: I mean put down the cat
@yoopnative: "Do NOT wake her up! It took me thirty minutes to get her to shut up and go to sleep." -Conversation I just had about a damn Furby.
@Lmao: 5 kinds of fear: - panic - terror - 15 missed calls from mom - "wrong password" - "we need to talk"
@cervixsmash: The person who invented marriage was creepy as hell like hey yo I love you so much I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave