Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
You Might Also Like
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I wish all tests were things you peed on
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I think about this a lot
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough