Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
You Might Also Like
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Scream sneezers need love too.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox