has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
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The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
HR said no more nunchucks.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.