For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
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Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.