Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
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Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Super Hand Dog Face
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
mentally somewhere in italy
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.