Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
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I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us