@MadamBetteNoire: Has anyone seen my jacket? It's white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
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@WilliamAder: Me: Haven't shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy? Wife: You look like McHomeless.
@Ristolable: Me at 20: I'm smarter than everyone in the world Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
@SirEviscerate: There are no atheists in parking lots where you've dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.