*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.