*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
You Might Also Like
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I put the h in mysterious.