*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
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Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
😆this is so true
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”