(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
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[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I missed you with all my darts
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??