*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”