*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
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[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?