Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
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[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
lol
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still