Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
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MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.