Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
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inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”