Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
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This is Sparta
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Breaking news:
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.