@TheNewsAtGlenn: Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year's Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I've been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
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@Mom_Overboard: Him: What's this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket? Me: It's a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge- Him: *running away* Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
@murrman5: excuse me, waitress? "I'm not a waitress" Oh, what are you then "Well, I'm a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?"
@notalogin: After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn't shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
@VerbsRProudest: If I could time travel, I'd grab English major me in college & say, "Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class."