Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
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[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,