When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
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A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb