Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
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Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.