Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
You Might Also Like
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too