Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
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Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.