Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
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Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.