Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
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this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Pot warmers of the day.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉