Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
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If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 馃槵
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
How your email finds me
I feel like maybe I shouldn鈥檛 have eaten that last taco 馃
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Always a housemaid, never a house.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Geez man, take it easy.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 馃槈
her: are those empty
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you鈥檙e having a fight is a croissant cuz he鈥檒l try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that鈥檚 just a delicious way to end a marriage . you鈥檙e welcome .
It鈥檚 been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I鈥檓 about to attempt a feat I haven鈥檛 dared for as long.
I鈥檓 about to put on a white shirt.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You鈥檙e a dude in a dress, I鈥檓 Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn鈥檛 get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it鈥檚 over I won.
You did kill my parents, it鈥檚 true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
When someone鈥檚 shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won鈥檛 increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.